“Inside of Love” – Nada Surf
(Words/music: Matthew Caws, Ira Elliot, and Daniel Lorca, available on Let Go, Barsuk Records 2002)

Subtle differences distinguish self-deprecation, self-loathing, and self-pity.  We see someone who makes a joke about himself as charming, someone who obsesses over a personal flaw as frustrating, and someone who feels sorry for himself as pathetic.  All three of these behaviors come from that similarly dark place in ourselves yet end up in different places.  It’s a bit of an oversimplification, but the difference involves ownership – being comfortable enough with one’s flaws to acknowledge them (and laugh, even), recognizing flaws and hating that part of ourselves, or painting oneself as a blameless victim who can’t change the situation.  This is the danger of self-pity, when we give up ownership and try to pass the blame to anyone else.  It leaves us in a frozen state – unable to improve our situation and unwilling to try anything to change the circumstances.  Whether it’s seeking a copout or making a series of behaviors a routine, feeling sorry for oneself does nobody any favors.

This is what makes “Inside of Love” interesting to me.  Matthew Caws’ narrator exists in the grey area between self-loathing and self-pity.  He finds himself in a rut, watching garbage on TV and rehashing his regrettable behavior night after night.  This character knows that he doesn’t like the cycle he’s in yet seems stuck in it; he knows enough to want “an aerial view” of his life, but has no plans on implementing it.  The whole song turns on one line in that verse – “I know the last page so well, I can’t read the first.” It encapsulates the feeling of recognizing a problem yet actively avoiding it – quitting before even playing, as the case may be.  So instead of finding the “inside of love,” he’s on the couch, watching mind-numbing television and deluding himself into thinking that it’s been “a bad night.”  Sure, we’re all entitled to a bad night from time to time, but when they become bad weeks and bad months, something has to give.  Caws paints this narrator with efficient detail, making his plea for substantial emotional connection real yet undercutting it with his self-pity.   It’s simultaneously beautiful, heartbreaking, and infuriating, and best (or worst, depending on your perspective) of all, it cuts close to home.  Some people might react better to a direct, “take control”-type song, but others might tune it out before it can hit home.  “Inside of Love” seduces us into listening with these beautiful harmonies and strikes when we recognize part of ourselves in this narrator.  Sometimes, seeing our pathos in someone else is enough to get us off the couch to switch off the TV and start picking up the pieces.

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